Letters
BY Kieran O'Shea
Kieran ‘To The Hilt’ O’Shea picks up where he left off in Issue 10
Dear John,
Hindsight is great of course, but unfortunately useless as we can never change the past and have to live with the consequences of our actions. What did I feel when I read Kieran’s letter? An overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt that I gave away all his toys, guilt that I probably drank around him too much when he was young and never gave it a second thought, guilt that I couldn’t get his eye fixed, guilt that I must have done something that made him take drugs, guilt that he finds me irritating and I don’t know how to stop being irritating. The list for a parent is endless and the parents who feel no guilt probably should.
But why should I feel guilt when I’m the one who sat up all night and nursed him when he had a fever, rushed to him when he was hurt, held him in my arms and cuddled him and sang him songs to lull him to sleep. My father was the one who always came to my sisters and me when we were ill. My mother never could cope and usually went to bed. I wonder if she felt guilty. She shouldn’t, because I knew she loved me and I loved her. She simply couldn’t cope with stressful things. I grieved terribly when she died, but unlike my mother, I coped. Or so you would think.
Dear John,
Perhaps revealing that on a cold and dreary day in North London, in a big empty house that stank of unwashed dishes and stale cigarette smoke, sitting next to an empty bag of weed and countless DVD boxes, I suddenly found myself curiously wondering what my housemate had in her bedroom drawers and whether or not there was something in there that could possibly entertain me, wasn’t the most rational idea I’ve ever had.
I know there are other possible methods of opening up channels of communication that are only suffocatingly ajar between children and their parents than letting them read about how you stuck a dildo up your arse while you masturbated, but that isn’t to say that it didn’t get the job done. Perhaps if I were less of a show-off and a sucker for getting a reaction out of people I probably would have chosen a different method, but maybe it wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, or nearly as successful.
Kieran was young then and unlike my mother I was strong and put on a brave face, as they would say. But inside I was devastated and played and sang with Kieran while my heart broke. I had to hide my true feelings and put on that brave face day in and day out. If Des, my husband, couldn’t cope with his stressful job, I had to hold it all together.
This is where in our family history I think we became less open with one another. Survival depended on coping with all the losses we had at that time. I suppose some people would have thought me quite hard but it was my survival mechanism. This was the same mechanism which helped me deal with my son appearing looking like a scarecrow and acting in a deranged manner, telling me he was using drugs. No survival mechanism could have saved me had I lost him to drugs.
By revealing my traits, flaws, and peculiarities in such an honest and frank way, I had laid myself bare, prepped for scrutiny, in front of my loved ones. I felt I had nothing to hide from them. Combined with the adrenaline created by the anticipation of possible outcomes (Dad breaking my nose, my being written out of the will, the Christmas dinner conversation with Nana), it was without doubt the most liberating thing I have ever participated in, let alone instigated. In turn this allowed me room to breathe, which became a contributing factor to the improved communication.
A common question I receive is how my parents reacted. The simple answer is great. That’s why I love them and they are two of my best friends. Our relationship underwent monumental improvements at a very important time. After burying my uncle a couple of months before the letter was published, my family and I would inevitably have battened down the hatches and gone about our daily lives. But we didn’t. We went through the usual five stages of grief together, as I’m sure you and your family have always done during such times. But the tragedy, without question or hesitation, was unforeseeably positive for our family unit.
As for wanting to alleviate the burden of my insecurities in such a way: well, who wouldn’t? Throw caution to the wind and just scream. It taught me a lesson many of you may already be fortunate enough to know and practise: how unimportant most of the shit that you worry about really is and how carrying such crippling baggage is a waste of time. The second those things were vocalised I realised how unimportant they also were to the world around me. It meant I could finally feel comfortable in these bones of mine.
I’m glad he wrote the letter. I think it took courage and I know we now talk more openly than we have for a while. Maybe writing letters is the way forward – I think people can bare their souls more when not face to face.
As for guilt, it really is such a worthless emotion anyway, and like most parents, I did my best within the history around me. If I’m found to be wanting, I’m sure I’ve paid enough money into Kieran’s bank account to have bought absolution!
The less said about the dildo episode, the better. I’m aware he enjoys a bit of a party and always was rather adventurous and curious, so it’s hardly surprising he would indulge in some creative sex. We just thought it sounded rather painful and wouldn’t personally give it a go. Anyway, you love your kids unconditionally, don’t you? Funny, they always seem to have lots of conditions for you.
Anne O’Shea
As a result my friendships improved. A stifling and fierce insularity we had created for ourselves disappeared – for me at least. I think I had become claustrophobic. I wanted to remind people that there is a big wide world out there and that some of the discussions and decisions we preoccupied ourselves with were completely inconsequential. But my friends, God love them all, reacted in the same way my parents did, with candour, and I’d like to think maybe they learnt some of the truths I did.
Would I recommend you do the same? Maybe. Just make sure your parents are as understanding and as patient as mine. I know the letters started off as some kind of experiment purely for me, but I never expected that somewhere along the line they would focus on the subject and all that circled it. (Just to throw down a little academia on those of you so inclined). Or perhaps I really am just one big show-off craving attention.
Or maybe I just wanted to feel better.
Kieran O’Shea