Our Highly Flammable Gabardine Dream

BY Robert Cook

I worked the room. I had the numbers. I was elected Conduit. Five-year term. Non-renewable. On election day, the Unity Mountain Choristers sang – take us higher, take us higher. I glowered. I pointed to the sky. The Infinite will be ours. Our matching silver Nikes flashed under the sun of our open hearts. I had three wives that night. Their names? Past, Present, Future. What a beginning! But I didn’t know how much paperwork there’d be. How much petty personal politics. I thought my finger and the heavens and my breath and the economic microclimate would be one. Apparently, though, I had not filled in the correct Unity Mountain Ordinance Forms to get all that happening. So, yes, I was stressed. And you wanted so, so much from me. Is that a defence? Yes. No. You’ve read what happened in the Unity Mountain Times. I don’t deny the accuracy of the reporting. What I do want to say, however, is that my Unity Mountain Advisors were adamant of the following and surely must share at least some of the responsibility:

Pokies would bring the old folks to Unity Mountain, and nothing more. The guy from 60 Minutes had a good heart. The Unity Mountain Theme Park rides were safe. Gabardine is a breathable fabric. A flag was not necessary. Steroids would make us better hunters. Our self-decreed nation status would be respected by The Outsiders. No one knew the SE Hinton reference. Morse code deafness is a medical condition. Our cars could run on charred woodchips. Plumbing is a craft not an art. Stress positions produce no long-term damage. Hunger and clarity of thought go hand-in-hand. The summer would be cool. The flies would be few. French pop music can be danced to. Guilt is love. The bears could be trusted with our ammunition. Cement foundations are decadent. Verbal contracts are as good as written contracts. Russell and Gavin would return from The Outside with Blackberrys and their front teeth. Corn will grow anywhere. If the rap music is absent the feelings will go away. Amateurs can do dental work. Wolves are tamable. Electricity is a luxury. The trading room floor accepts all comers. The Highway Code is the trucker’s Da Vinci Code. The Outsiders’ scrutiny would make us stronger. Mortar would only slow down the Building Program. It would not come to violence. If cooked properly, the toads would be good eating. The Unity Mountain Winnebago will get to 60. The pigs were being well treated. It’s all in the interpretation. Disinfectant is devil’s discharge. Moving sand turns to glass if sifted fast enough. Humiliation is quickly forgotten. The flames would not follow us. The wind would not fan the fire. If you think you can fly, you can fly. Gabardine doesn’t burn.