Save It For The Children

BY Jeff Megahan

After I found out that my wife and I were going to have a boy, I began to ask myself, “What guidance can a father hope to offer his son these days?” Most of the things fathers have traditionally taught their sons – the importance of honour, dignity, perseverance, et cetera – have become unattainable ideals for a generation of smoke-doping gamers.

‘Being a man’ has never been easy but today it has become comically absurd even to try. The old rules are outdated, and many were offensive to begin with. As a result, boys today become ‘dudes’ or ‘guys’ or ‘blokes’ but rarely do they become men. Still, every father must try. And even though I’ve taken full advantage of an extended adolescence, I’ve found that I have still managed to learn some things of value that I will pass along to my son.

Your dick is just fine. Concentrate less on size and more on the judicious employment of your penis. Do this and you will save thousands of dollars on cars and yachts.

There is no such thing as ‘genius’. Contrary to what you’ve been led to believe, nobody is a natural-born anything. Every person of distinction who ever lived had to learn everything from scratch, just like you. Albert Einstein, Ray Charles, Steve Martin – they all toiled anonymously for years to become what they were.

Remember: the drunker you are, the quieter you should be on the train ride home. Pretend the train is an extension your mum’s kitchen and do all you can to sneak on up to your bedroom without anybody hearing.

Charles Bukowski was full of shit. Although a skilled poet, his whole ‘drink-your-way-out-of-the-rat-race’ schtick was pure adolescent narcissism.

Fast food is to actual food what masturbation is to sex. Try not to indulge in it too much, and never in public.

Beware of ‘Certain People’. That is, people who are absolutely certain of anything. The world is a mysterious place, and it has and it will continue to confound any system that tries to explain it away. Tony Robbins, the Pope, Osama bin Laden – fundamentalists of any kind are tedious and dangerous.

Every guy who ‘hates fags’ secretly longs to be fucked by one. Irrational hatred of gay people is a sure sign of a dude’s inability to deal with his own psychosexual longings.

There is no ‘conspiracy’. The exploitation is blatantly obvious. If you want to find out what’s ‘really going on’, read the newspapers. Do not rely on your friends’ late-night, bong-fuelled political rants for your information.

Remember the 90-5-5 Rule. 90% of everything is mediocre, 5% is truly awful and 5% is extraordinary. This rule holds true for just about anything: cheese, music, movies, bowling balls. Caveat: in the categories of art and human beings, the truly awful can one day be great, but the mediocre, never.