Letters

BY Albatross Books; U.S. Congress; Pope Julius II; Carlton and United Breweries

Dear Mr H. S. Thompson,

Thank you for your manuscript, The State Of Puerto Rico. We would like to congratulate you on your work; your considered prose, thoroughly researched history of Senior Muñoz Marín and perspicacious insights into the society of Puerto Ricans, and the United States’ responsibility to acknowledge the island as a state of the union, were highly impressive.

Unfortunately, despite these commendations we do not believe there is a favorable audience for such a book in the United States and therefore we shall not be publishing it at this time. While it seems quite clear to us that your writings hold little relevance to the national consciousness, you should by no means feel dejected as they were extremely good.

We hope that you don’t feel too badly, so we enclose a range of psychedelics we found among a recently terminated employee’s belongings, and urge you to go out and have a wild time. You deserve it.

Sincerely Albatross Books

3 March 1925

Dear Mr Borglum,

We are all extremely impressed by your ambitious and patriotic endeavor to sculpt a national monument into Mount Rushmore, South Dakota. We have every faith in your abilities as a sculptor to execute this work, and feel that your budget and timeline is acceptable.

Your proposed sculpture, to carve the phrase “U.S.A. 4 Evz!” in 30 foot high gilded letters, certainly captures the spirit of our great nation. Yet we wonder whether a pictoral message might be more universally impressive than your language bound, albeit enthusiastic, slogan. The image that you propose to carve under the words, of our great and esteemed forefather George Washington high-fiving a gigantic bald eagle, is also very impressive, although, again, not exactly what we at Congress had imagined.

Your idea to immortalize the image of one of our great leaders is very appealing however, and we wonder whether you can proceed with the carving of George Washington, and maybe throw in a few other ex-presidents as well? A selection of Republicans and Democrats will be fine.

Yours Respectfully, The U.S. Congress

To Michelangelo Buonarroti:

Signor – your reputation as a master sculptor precedes you. However, your fellow artist Raphael implored me to put a paintbrush in your hand. He laughed oddly and I believe I heard him mutter, “Now everyone will know his paintings suck!” He is right, Michelangelo, for one’s eye is drawn to your arresting compositions as a babe takes nourishment from his mother. This is why I asked you to consider a fresco in God’s name.

Now I have received your preliminary sketches, I am troubled. Signor, you are proposing to paint 300 figures, twelve prophets and sibyls, the assembled ancestors of Christ, the Creation, the Fall of Man and the Great Flood! Have you any idea how long this will take? I also feel your intentions are not wholly pure. I quote from your notes: “Here’s God leaning out of a big motherfucking cloud full of hott naked babes”. And your proposed twenty athletic male nudes have little to do with the teachings of Christ, although some are, I see, ‘turning the other cheek’.

Let us not desecrate the ceiling of St Peter’s with such travesty. However, since I had promised you this commission, you may paint the Sistine Chapel. God knows it is only used to select the new Pope – and by His grace I shall be dead before I see the results of your foolishness.

Go in peace, Pope Julius II

Dear Sirs,

Having viewed your new advertising campaign, we are extremely concerned about the direction in which your agency is taking Victoria Bitter. We have put a great deal of effort into developing a beer so sophisticated in flavour as to dispel many of the unfortunate myths that tend to accumulate around our product; namely, that it is a beverage for the ill-educated and uncouth. We specifically accepted your proposal of John Meillon as voiceover actor because we felt his background on the British stage would add an erudition we feel our product deserves.

We are extremely disappointed, therefore, to discover that your campaign makes no sense whatever. Why have you employed an imitation of a cowboy film soundtrack to promote what we emphasised was a uniquely Australian product? And what is the mysterious “it” that your advertisement claims drinkers can “get” in various oafish situations? With all respect, sirs, had you been drinking our product yourselves when you conjured such nonsense?

Finally, we urge you to reconsider the final tagline. Victoria Bitter is so much more than merely “a big cold beer”, and to claim, as your advertisement does, that it is “the best cold beer”, is in our opinion too little, too late. Our suggestions are, “Victoria Bitter: Crisp! Pleasantly Fruity! Superbly Relaxing!” and “Victoria Bitter: Since 1890, the Choice of Discerning Drinkers Everywhere, Not Only in Victoria.”

Yours faithfully, Carlton and United Breweries.