Payrolls Off the Tongue

BY Natasha Ludowyk

Profession – For the right amount of money their words will get you: Counsellors – self-esteem Psychiatrists – medications and the odd electric shock Laywers – a sense of bewilderment and a large fee Evangelists – annoyance/eternal salvation, depending on your outlook Auctioneers – a limber shoulder and possibly a house or some art or something Hypnotists – whatever you ask for (you hope) Telemarketers – annoyance/an incredible opportunity, depending on your outlook Phone Sex Operators – off Life Coaches – a better life in theory Sports Coaches – a combination of degradation and inspiration, and a face full of spittle Lecturers – some info you didn’t have already, or at least a good nap Elocution Coaches – lovely diction Conmen – less than you started with Salesmen – a free set of steak knives! Broadcasters – infotainment MCs – to stand for the toast Emcees – to put your hands in the air like you just don’t care Publicists – your fifteen minutes