A Man Walks into a Bar…
BY Simon Kingsley-Hall
If a drunk has said it, Simon Kingsley-Hall has heard it.
I lie in bed each night, dehydrated, drunk and dirty-fingers sticky from butterscotch schnapps and bourbon. Skin displaying splatter patterns from numerous pathetic attempts at flaring sticky shitty spirits. Hands peeling from toxic cleaning products. Cigarette and vomit smells eroding my nostrils. Jaw hurting from constantly quoting the film Cocktail.
As I lie there, alone again, I toss, and turn; what’s left of my brain scrolls through the night just gone in erratic detail. I don’t remember the nice customers and the friendly regulars (unless they tip!). Left for my dreams are replays of the annoying, offensive, snobbish and bogan. “I don’t know shit about alcohol. I just drink it.”
The guy who orders three martinis and a cosmopolitain for his mate “the poof”. 20 minutes later he returns. More drinks, mate? “Yeah, four cosmos thanks mate.” (to girl at bar) “You’ve probably got a nice smelling pussy, haven’t you?” Stunned silence. “Well, your skin smells nice.” She works with the guy.
The dreams flow.
(Ordering a malibu and pineapple) “When I started drinking I didn’t really like the taste of alcohol but now I’m fine.”
“Excuse me – do you have a dress code that allows for upmarket sneakers? How much is your Krug by the glass? No wait, can I just be really boring and have a lychee caipiroska?… Mmmm perfect. You need to come to Melbourne to get a good lychee caipiroska. They don’t make them this well in Adelaide. The funny thing is, when i come here it reminds me of a bar in Townsville.”
“…a long black with a splash of red wine thanks. I used to live on bourbon but I’m over that now.”(to girl at bar) “Hi.”
(shouting, very aggressive) “Are you going to buy me a martini?” “Sure. Hey pal – can i get a vodka martini made with Bombay Sapphire? Bombay is my favourite vodka.”
“Do you mind if I put my box on here?” “It doesn’t feel like Friday night unless I crawl around on my hands and knees.” “…So, Evelyn is it? What are you passionate about?” “…Ugh I still smell of that horse.” “This bar is my wet dream.” “This pen isn’t working very well. Yeah I know, your tip didn’t show up at all.” “Excuse me – my riesling and raspberry isn’t dry enough.”
“What bottle beers do you have?” Here’s a list. “…shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Oh, this one’s okay. Tooheys Extra Dry, that’s pretty nice.”
“…May I have a Bombay Sapphire GT?” Okay. “Do you know what that is?” Yes. I do. “Oh, I thought it was a Sydney thing… I’m sure that’s where it originated.”
“How much is Johnny Walker Blue Label?” $27. “I feel like something strong that I can sip slowly.” How about a cognac, single malt, et cetera… “Yeah – give me a double Malibu and coke.”
I’m going to cry. I try to sleep.