Letters
BY Faux Fender
Got a musical dilemma? Write to everyone’s favourite rock agony aunt, Faux Fender.
Dear Faux Fender,
I’m in love with someone who prefers going to rock gigs to spending time with me. I don’t have drunken crowds, sticky carpet or foldback speakers, but I’m a fun, entertaining person. Do I have to put on a concert DVD in the background before he’ll sleep with me?
Me Against the Music, Fitzroy
Clearly you’re not that fun and entertaining if he’d rather rock out with his cock out at gigs. But don’t beat him – join him. Get yourself (and him) really drunk, then take him home and shag him. Works for me every time. PS: the Phil Collins DVD works a treat in sealing the deal.
Dear Faux Fender,
I think I’m commitment-phobic. Whenever I buy a new album, I listen to it obsessively for a few days and then I can’t bear its annoying songs, and I turn away in disgust from its cover art. Then months later I’ll find it at the bottom of my CD collection and I’m sad I let it go. Will I ever find lasting musical love?
Round Like a Record, Balwyn
You will only find lasting musical love if you choose music that stands the test of time. Because honestly, how can you expect a long-term relationship with a band that’s been around for less time than your latest meth pipe?
Dear Faux Fender,
I’ve got a terrible secret – I love trashy pop. My friends would go, “Dude!” if they knew about the skanky records I bring home – Shannon Noll, Chingy, Pussycat Dolls… I know I could do better, but pop music is so hot I can’t help myself.
Dirrrty, Coburg
There’s a line between belting out Kelly Clarkson along with your car radio (windows up of course) and actively purchasing Shannon Noll’s back catalogue. And I’m afraid you may have crossed it. Unless you are a 16-year-old who hangs out at Highpoint, kick this sick habit if you don’t want to end up a Nigel No-friends.