Letters

BY Jorge Gurassu

Letter One

Short Version

Penny,

Thanks for the answer to my earlier punctuation question.

Sorry to keep asking but have you read my 1500 word Beatles/Stones draft yet?

Regards

Jorge

Long Version

Penny,

Thanks heaps for the detailed response to my question. You are right. I am confused. But in the way a bad student is because he hasn’t spent enough time trying to understand the concepts. I do intend to read and reread your explanation till I can remember it and will ask pertinent cutting questions that demonstrate a deeper understanding of the material. But for now I will hide my ignorance in the only way I know how, by burning down hedges.

Of course I write to ask the other obvious question. But to avoid as much incorrect punctuation as I can I will phrase it a la Samuel Beckett Waiting for Godot.

---

SCENE 1

CURTAIN RISES

[PENNY is kneeling in the desert in front of a rock. She is typing away on it transcribing some writing from the sand to her left.]

PENNY: Wrong [Rubs out the sand and pulls over a new pile of sand writing to continue typing up on her rock.]

[JORGE enters stage right. PENNY sees him and hides by pressing her forehead onto the rock. JORGE checks his pockets to discover a turnip.]

PENNY: Hiding now. No one here

JORGE: No one here.

PENNY: Go away. I am here

JORGE: Knew you were here.

PENNY: No you didn’t

JORGE: Make you laugh?

PENNY: Rather you left

JORGE: Need to be funny.

PENNY: Busy. (pause) Sigh. Show. Then go.

[JORGE searches his pockets and pulls out the turnip showing PENNY.]

PENNY: Seen that.

JORGE: Oh.

[JORGE returns it to his pocket. PENNY continues typing on her rock.]

PENNY: Bored now.

JORGE: Make you laugh?

PENNY: No. (pause) Make me laugh.

[JORGE searches his pockets and pulls out the turnip showing PENNY.]

PENNY: You funny.

JORGE: Very

PENNY: [reaching for the Turnip] Show me how

JORGE: NO!! Mine!! [Snatches the turnip away and hides it in his pocket.]

JORGE: Already gave you. Last time.

PENNY: Want new one

JORGE: Look your one

PENNY: Want new one

JORGE: Did you look? Show others?

PENNY: No. Busy. Want new one. Bored now.

JORGE: Look other one first

PENNY: Too big. Busy

JORGE: Waiting now

PENNY: No one here

JORGE: No one here

CURTAIN DROPS

---

Waiting now.

Jorge

Letter Two

Short Version

Penny,

Unfortunately I cannot attend the Is Not Magazine New Year’s Eve party. It will be my wedding day.

If the posters come out, could you hold on to my copy?

I’ll come to the Beatles/Stones launch party instead. They do look like fun.

Regards

Jorge

Long Version

Penny,

Apologies for the slow reply to your urgent e-mail. I am not in on Wednesdays and typing all these lyrics took me a while.

The NYE party does sound really interesting and I ordinarily would drop everything to attend.

Except

There is a tiny event I have organized during the day of 31st and will be totally buggered by night time. I doubt I will be awake when the little known Y2K-point-zero-zero-six Bug plunges us into the surprisingly well lit oblivion of Armageddon.

Here is a clue. Remember that Fiancée I mentioned?

Need I say more? I do? I was hoping you’d say that. If you would be so kind Mr Muzak.

---

ACT 2, SCENE 3 Curtains raise to reveal JORGE standing on stage with a top hat and cane.

JORGE: I am getting married in the morning! Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime. Pull out the stopper! Let’s have a whopper! But get me to the church on time!

I gotta be there in the mornin’
Spruced up and lookin’ in me prime.
Girls come and kiss me;
Show how you’ll miss me.
But get me to the church on time!

If I am dancin’
    Roll up the floor.
If I am whistlin’
Whewt me out the door!

For I’m gettin’ married in the mornin’
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Kick up a rumpus
But don’t lose the compass;
And get me to the church,
Get me to the church,
For Gawd’s sake, get me to the church on time!

PENNY: He’s getting married in the morning Ding dong! The bells are gonna chime.

JORGE: Drug me or jail, Stamp me and mail me.

IS NOT MAGAZINE CREW: But get him to the church on time! He’s gotta be there in the morning Spruced up and lookin’ in his prime

[ Lights fade and Curtains lower. PENNY is left swaying alone in the theatre waving her lighter flame till the igniter metal becomes too hot.]

[Curtains lower… again]

That’s right, I am auditioning for My Fair Lady.

In answer to the obvious questions: 1) No it isn’t designed to be a combined wedding and New Year’s extravaganza. The opposite, we want to quickly herd people off to their NYE parties so the whole thing ends quickly. 2) Operation Honeymoon will commence at zero nine hundred hours a few days after the Wedding. Destination Vietnam (long time listener, first time caller). Of course I am currently doing the required prereading of Graham Greene’s The Quiet American. How cool are the names Pyle and Fowler? I wish I could think of such good character names. At the moment, all I have is: Terry Stawell… and maybe Penny Modra… and George Glass.

If the Time/Money posters don’t come out till January, could you do me the favour of holding on to my copy till I return in Feb? (Penny responds with “What? You think I’m an effin Storage Cabinet?”) Or you could just mail it to my work. (Penny responds with “What? Now I’m a friggin Post Office?”) Or you could just throw it in the bin. (Penny responds with “What? I’m your fuggin cleanin lady now am I?”) (Jorge quietly steps back a few feet)

But in Feb I’ll definitely come for the Beatles/Stones launch party. And when people there ask I’ll say, “Yeah I had an article in the Time/Money issue… but not in this one” and they’ll look at each other disapprovingly mouthing, “Still clinging to his five minutes.”

Judging by the photo gallery they do look like quite the event. I expect it will be fabulous and I assume when I leave the party, I will be:

ACT 1: SCENE 5 Curtain rises to reveal JORGE in a sequined Collette Dinnigan evening gown.

JORGE: Bed! Bed! I couldn’t go to bed! My head’s too light to try and set it down! Sleep! Sleep! I couldn’t sleep tonight! Not for all the jewels in the crown!

I could have danced all night!
I could have danced all night!
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I’ve never done before.

I’ll never know
What made it so exciting
Why all at once
My heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me,
I could have danced, danced, danced all night!

PENNY: [To JORGE] It’s after three, now

STUART [To MRS PEARCE]: Don’t you agree, now, He ought to be in bed?

[MRS PEARCE nods emphatically]

JORGE: I could have danced all night! I could have danced all night! And still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings And done a thousand things I’ve never done before.

IS NOT MAGAZINE CREW: [Simultaneously telling JORGE] You’re tired out. You must be dead. Your face is drawn Your eyes are red Now say goodnight, please. Turn out the light, please. It’s really time For you to be in bed. Do come along. Do as you’re told, Or Mrs Pearce Is apt to scold. You’re up too late, miss. And sure as fate, miss You’ll catch a cold.

Curtain drops.

Cheers

Jorge

Letter Three

Short version

Dear Timetabling Office,

Could we please book the Engineering ECR Labs 7 and 8 for the following exam: 685-784 Comp Prog and Design Thu 22 Jun 9:30am – 11:00am

Regards

Jorge

Long version

Hail Guardians of the Clock tower of the realm,

The time of year has come for our squires to prove their mettle in battle.

The proclamation states thus: 685-784 Comp Prog and Design Thu 22 9:30am-11:30am

The date is set. What remains is the location for the tests.

I propose Engineering the venue to be in both the dECRepit Labyrinths 7 & 8. Are the mazes ready for said purpose?

The Excalibur sword in self-sharpening stone test sits in Lab 7 does it not? Has it returned from the jewellers buffed and gleaming? Such prissy preparations would be unnecessary were it not for the filthy knights of the class of 2005. I advise the Wizards each year. Make the squires wash their hands before they touch the sword. Enchanted metal tarnishes so quickly. It is unseemly for dozens of dirty fingers to be grasping at the same bloody handle all day. For god’s sake we haven’t even invented toilet paper yet. But do the Wizards heed my words? Nooooo.

One day infection will wipe out an entire class and on the Graduates parchment under that year we will be left with an embarrassing blank. And I will say to the Wizards, “I had informed thou.”

And the Minotaur, it continues to prowl Lab 8? It is true that mythical beasts are expensive to purchase and we cannot risk damaging ours with edged weapons. But surely there must be some middle ground rather than the current state of affairs. I say we have erred too far onto the side of caution. Even if it is with a Minotaur, how can you call a pillow fight a test of courage?

At least the upkeep is low. Lord Jim’s Monster Grooming and Labyrinth Hedge Trimming does come at a fair price. But the pampering has gone too far. The gossips say that the only terror the beast strikes in our men is when it threatens to disclose of their amorous nocturnal visits to its lair. So much primping has made it prettier than most of the townswomen.

State whether or not these potential fields of valour are indeed ours to use for the day and we will arrange our man herald the details from yonder hill.

All Hail King Henry the Twenty Eleventh.

Sir Jorge Gurassu