Letters
BY Anonymous
This issue, our letters section contains an unexpected missive from an old flame. Then there’s the email sent in reply – and the reply the recipient wishes she’d sent. Names are omitted to protect the guilty.
From: XXXXX XXXX Sent: February 18, 2006, 4:10am To: XXXXXXXXXXXXX Subject: Old times
Hey there Tiger,
It’s been a long time, I know, and I’m sorry for not being in touch. It’s just that I’ve been really busy lately with my new job. I’m loving this promotion, although, I do lament my days as an unemployed worshipper of the couch and TV. Speaking of which, how you doing down there in dismal old Melbourne?
On the personal front, not much to tell really. I’ve found another new girlfriend. She’s OK I guess. But since you and me, I just haven’t found anything that I could commit to. They keep falling for me and I keep dropping them, one after the next. Reminiscing about old times with you doesn’t help much! Gee, we had some good laughs over a cheap bottle of vodka and a pack of Camel tobacco, hey?
Anyway Tiger, I think about you sometimes…
I still have the present that you gave me all those years ago, of the tiny stone elephant with the words ‘friends forever’ engraved into its ass. I want you to know that I keep it with me, wherever I go. You meant a lot to me and I just needed to get that out of my system. Hope you’re well.
Love always XXXXX
From: XXXXXXX XXXXXXXX Sent: February 18, 2006, 9:00am To: XXXXXXXXXXX Subject: Re: Old times
Well, Well, Well….A blast from the past.
It’s a tremendous pleasure to emerge from my daily, coffee induced bout of morning diarrhoea to an email from the long-lost boyfriend.
I’m so glad that you have managed to weasel your way up the corporate ladder. Surely, such success has not occurred without the use of your sleazy and corrupt manipulative skills to compensate for your overwhelming lack of real talent.
As for your personal life and the emotional hardships you encounter with these desperate, trashy females, I can only offer you one answer: Your need to create a false sense of romance with these unfortunate creatures is nothing more than an attempt to indulge your ego and feed your blackened soul. You’re incapable of settling down with a woman and, you should know by now, that there is no place to love another person in the sickly, narcissistic snake-pit that is your life.
It’s good to hear that you have kept my present of the little elephant with you. (Perhaps as a reminder of the last good thing to pass through your sad little world?) I too have held onto all the presents that you gave me when we were going out. Presents like the mountains of porn you flooded my computer with, causing it to crash, as well as the saucy photos of you wrapped around that blonde girl from down the street, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat. Yes…they were fun times, weren’t they?
As for me, life couldn’t be better. I’m over the treacherous experience of being cheated on, used and having my heart twisted and shattered beyond repair. I have since emerged from the aftermath of our relationship fairly unscathed, despite an acute case of agoraphobia and the odd concerning self-esteem issue.
The idea of you reminiscing over the times we had together is quite sickening. I wish I could think about you with the same sense of fondness. Unfortunately, there is no longer a place for you and your artificially sweetened words in my day. So next time you decide to be sentimental, send an email to your blonde cowgirl, who, to this day, asks about you with great enthusiasm.
Sincerely…and incredibly so, Tiger.
From: XXXXXXX XXXXXXXX Sent: February 18, 2006, 9:01am To: XXXXXXXXXXX Subject: Re: Old times
Dear XXXXX,
It has indeed been a long time! It was nice finally to receive an email from you.
I’m happy to hear that things are going well for you. Can you believe how much time has gone by since you were here last? Anyways, I’m glad we’ve both moved on since then and that we can get past all the crap that turned life sour for a while.
So you’ve found a new girlfriend? Well, good for you. Don’t stress over your love life too much. Just enjoy the time you have together and when it’s over, I’m sure you will make it clear to her.
As for me, things are fine and I’m getting by…not much to say.
Good luck with everything and be in touch!
Regards Tiger xoxoxo