What Are You Lickin' At?

BY Jasmine McGowan

Casually browsing the alternative health section in Dymocks recently, I came across a book that made me re-think the parameters of holistic wellbeing. The book in question was brusquely titled The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks. I hastily flicked through it and realised that the title was making no bones; it was a certified ‘how to’ for the bi-curious straight woman. Penned by American comedienne Jen Sincero (the irony of her surname didn’t fail to register with me), the book doubles as a semi-autobiographical account of her foray into same-sex relations and a useful sex guide that covers everything from seduction techniques to the actual mechanics of lesbian sex.

Having found myself time and time again in a fatalistic tryst with a straight woman, I was alarmed at the content of this book. My first thought was: “As if it isn’t hard enough weeding out the sincere bi-curios from the wannabe lesbian chic parade, now they’re writing them stealth guides…we are seriously screwed!”

The beginning of the book sets out the disdain Ms Sincero reserves for the constrictive labels ‘straight’ and ‘gay’. While she purports to be a believer in fluid sexuality, she concludes her treatise (in a chapter titled “Pussywhipped, or going back to boyville”) by admitting that she couldn’t sustain her relationship with a woman because – and I feel her words are appropriate here – “I couldn’t take what was going on seriously as a romantic relationship. I couldn’t get past the feeling that I was playing, having this outrageously hot and fun time with one of my best friends rather than a serious love relationship”.

This statement is characteristic of the insidious heterocentric ethos that pervades the glossy political correctness of this book. In fact, this book is really a guide to concealing your homosexual panic in your endeavour to conquer muff mountain. One surefire way to reconcile this panic regarding your taboo desires (apart from excessive consumption of alcohol, which is encouraged throughout) is to make your fear of transgression part of the adventure. As Sincero herself claims, “sleeping with someone I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to made me feel kind of kinky. This turned me on like nobody’s business. I felt a teeny bit nasty, dirty, and queer”. And in the section devoted to the infamous strap-on (that’s right, she leaves no stone unturned), Sincero advises: “If you’re on the receiving end, and you’re feeling homesick, you can pretend she’s a guy…”

As comforting as that advice may be to Ms Straighty-Straight, Sincero doesn’t skirt the big issues and in a chapter entitled “Oh My God, She Wants Me to Eat Her Pussy”, she gets down to business, literally. Complete with Barbie doll pictorial illustrations, Sincero provides thoroughly researched tips on the act itself and expounds a well-reasoned ‘get over it’ attitude regarding ‘beaver bar’ phobia. Given that Sincero based much of the book’s content on ethnographic research, this chapter concludes with a pseudo-scientific ‘pussy eating pie chart’, the result of a poll she undertook. Participants were asked: “If somebody shot you while you were getting eaten out, what would be the last sensation you’d want to feel on your pussy before you died?” Get out your pencils and pens, girls, because there’s going to be a test afterwards!

I feel it is perhaps my duty to provide a short guide of my own titled, as you might have guessed, The Queer Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Straight Chicks. From my experience there are two types of straight girls who sleep with women. The first is the sexually promiscuous/borderline nymphomaniac and the second is the girl with deep-seated ambivalence regarding her sexuality. Typically both varieties will make the first move. However, beware: unless you and her are on the brink of falling into one of those ‘can’t stop thinking about you want to be with you for the rest of my life’ vortexes, dealing with both of these types is fraught with danger.

If you are just up for a bit of fun, go for the borderline nymphomaniac as the sex will be uninhibited. Bear in mind, however, that you will only be able to sleep with each other four to five times, max – any more and she will begin to feel it is becoming too regular and therefore a threat to her heterosexuality. She will start saying things like: “Look, this just isn’t what I want, I had fun with you but ultimately I am all about dick.” (Maybe not exactly that, but you can read between the lines.) Having said that, this type is definitely the better option.

The girl with deep-seated sexual ambivalence will want to do the right thing by you and mostly will be very honest and forthcoming, but you will always come second to her internal conflict. She will be consumed by the choices she has to make regarding her possible gayness: weighing up how she feels about you against the daunting possibility of coming out to her family, friends, blah blah blah… and I mean really, you’ve already come out once, do you want to go through all that again?

The fact is that ‘casual sex’ is a very slippery term. If you’ve slept with someone numerous times it’s virtually impossible not to develop some feelings for them and inevitably your sexual liaisons will begin to adhere to a set of unspoken rules. Usually this pattern of behaviour would signal the beginning of a relationship, and if you were sleeping with another lesbian you could start packing the U-Haul. However, the level of intimacy with these particular types of straight woman will inevitably hit a glass ceiling. My advice: always enter these situations with trepidation, and if you want to be really on the ball, I guess it couldn’t hurt to purchase your own copy of ‘The Devil’s Handbook’.